Early Morning Musings

Well, I can't sleep so I thought I'd write. After a night of tossing and turning, trying to stay comfortable in my pregnant body while be connected to a chemotherapy pump, I watched the clock for another hour before deciding to get up. Tonight, the big problems are heartburn and leg cramps. And the baby is tossing and turning inside me, too. I love it, but I really need some sleep.

My poor daughter, Georgia, had a rough afternoon yesterday. She came home from school and was a good girl spending an hour or so doing her homework before watching any tv. After she got dressed for her first dance classes of the season, Georgia was bounding down the stairs with her usual vigor and missed the last three. With that came a flood of tears and many bruises. We sat on the floor together for about 5 minutes before she was able to collect herself and go to dance.

Then after dance, we took her friend Skylar home. The two ran to her front door and somehow Georgia tripped again, this time making a face plant on Skylar's cement sidewalk and front step. This time, Georgia ended up with a mouth full of blood and a skint knee. Very traumatic. Through her blood and tears, Georgia said her life is so rough (which is a saying she has used from time to time since all my stuff began). Poor thing. My heart aches for her at times like that. I hope that her fat lip is better when she gets up in a few hours and she can put this past her quickly. And that she doesn't fall down today.

A weird thing happened late Monday night. Around 9:30 p.m., our caller id lights up with the name of my former OB-GYN's name. Our bedroom phone ringer is always on mute and I was drifting off to sleep and didn't pick up the phone in time. Intrigued, I listen to the message and learn that it is from Georgia's new soccer coach - who's wife is my former OB-GYN. I haven't spoken to her since March 7 when I had to go into her office to have bloodwork to confirm my pregnancy. That was the day that she told me I had to terminate because I couldn't be treated for cancer while in early pregnancy and that I had to put my family as it existed first and end my dreams of ever having another child. That was one of the toughest doctor's visits I/we have had. After pressing this doctor further to seek a referral to anyone who has worked with pregnant cancer patients, she connected us to the high risk group - Center for Maternal-Fetal Medicine at Evanston Northshore Hospital. They are the ones who restored our confidence a few days later when we met with the director, Dr. Scott McGregor, who happened to be a specialist on pregnant cancer patients. This also coincided with the introduction to Dr. Theriault at M.D. Anderson who was equally confident.

So, we begin soccer season this Saturday when I have to come face-to-face with my former OB-GYN. I think she'll be surprised to see me at 32 weeks pregnant after having a mastectomy and receiving 6 rounds of chemo. I do have her to thank for insisting I have mammograms before age 40 (although she did not follow up with me but once after my breast cancer diagnosis) and giving us the referral to Maternal-Fetal Medicine. As we all know, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe this opportunity to sit with her at soccer games on for the next 10 Saturdays is His way of telling me to get over my lingering anger of my last dealings with her, to thank her for setting us on the right path and to show her that you can keep a pregnancy and still be treated for cancer.

Right now, I'm really missing my dog Duke. In the quietness of the house, I miss the sound of him snoring in his sleep. Thankfully, all I have to do is listen to P.J. snore and think about how they both would drive me crazy and sometimes wake me up at night. How long does it take to stop missing your old dog friend? (sob)

Today, my dear friends Katie and Sarah are coming over and bringing me lunch. I'm really looking forward to catching up with them since we haven't spent a lot of time together since the year we worked on the 2008 LFCDS Auction. Also today, my sweetest sister-in-law Molly is making us one of her famous health-conscience, yummy dinners. I am definitely spoiled! We have never eaten so well!

This weekend, we are planning to see our old friends, Scott, Julie and Davis, who will be in town from Mississippi for an iconic Chicago weekend. I'm envious of their plans to catch two U2 concerts, a Cubs' game and play tourists during a beautiful early fall weekend in Chicago. So glad that we can go into the city to see them on Sunday.

Since I'm up so early, I think I'll surprise P.J. and Georgia with a special homemade breakfast treat. They will be shocked to come down the stairs this morning to the smells of banana-chocolate chip monkey bread. They'll probably wonder who brought us breakfast! Better get cooking.

Thanks for putting up to my early morning musings. Hope y'all have a great day!

xxoo
Jana

Best Buds - Duke and Georgia

Georgia and Duke in May 2009 before a soccer game. Duke is modeling a breast cancer awareness scarf that P.J. surprised me with. Georgia and Duke were great buddies.

Losing Duke and Chemo Round 5

Good morning. I'm writing as I sit in my lounge chair in my oncologist's office receiving my fifth round of my regular chemo cocktail of FAC plus Ativan, Decadron and Zofran. It's a really crowded treatment room and the 18 patient chairs are rapidly filling up. I can think of a million other places I'd rather be right now than here. But I know that each round puts me closer to finishing.

My baby boy is kicking my stomach hard reminding me of how important it is to go through all this. Had an 28 week ultrasound last Friday and he looks great and weighs around 3 lbs. My dear sister Rebecca was with me along with her precious 7-week-0ld daughter, Julia. They flew up from Georgia to visit us for a few days. This gave me a chance to practice caring for a newborn and to testrun our baby's room and equipment. Rebecca and I had not seen each other since early April, prior to my mastectomy and chemo. I look quite different now with my pregnant belly and hair loss, not to mention my temporary breasts (thanks to ROCK-HARD, perky tissue expanders). We had a wonderful time just catching up and talking baby stuff. Nice to focus on something other than my cancer.

Georgia and P.J. got a lot of practice with a newborn, too. At times, we were all fighting to hold Julia. None of us fought over changing her diapers though as we know our share is soon coming. I loved playing dress-up with Julia in Georgia's old smocked baby dresses.

Julie was a wonderful distraction for us in the days that followed our beloved dog Duke's death late last Monday night. Our emotions have been very raw as we are coping with his sudden death from a heart attack. P.J. had taken him for their nightly walk around 11:00 p.m. Duke struggled; they came home and by 11:30 p.m., he was gone. P.J. woke me up to tell me the news and get the vet's number. I had only been asleep for about 2 hours and couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Earlier that day, I had had my blood drawn only to find out that my counts were the lowest ever since beginning chemo. Because chemo is a cumulative effect, this was expected, but it meant that I really need to take care of myself to not get run-down.

Duke's death sent me into a temporary downward spiral. It's painful to talk and write about my sadness and deep mourning for our sweet dog. I'll just say that I had to take some Valium and go to bed until Wednesday when Rebecca and Julia arrived. Georgia is still grieving, too. She now knows all about cremation and wants to pick up Duke's ashes right away. I am in no hurry to handle that. She has even saved his black leather studded "tough dog" collar with tags and has it on display in her bedroom among her dolls. Sometimes I hear her shaking his tags which send me into tears. It's Georgia's way of remembering Duke.

Rebecca got Georgia some Mexican Jumping Beans to fill the pet void temporarily. Their jumping all night long in their plastic case is like popcorn popping - annoying! P.J. and I are planning to postpone adopting another dog until after Spring Break when I am through with my radiation and we have hopefully had a much-needed vacation.

Georgia's enjoying her second week of sailing camp. We just found out her teacher for next year - Mrs. Binkley - who is expecting a baby in February. We're trying on old uniforms, ordering new ones and shoes and getting excited about going back to school on September 2. Between now and then, we'll try to fit as much summer fun in as we can. My mom/Nana is coming to visit on Saturday for a week. She hasn't been here since May and is eager to see me in my full pregnancy/chemo body. When Georgia isn't playing tennis, swimming or golf next week, we will be doing projects to prepare for baby and having fun with Nana.

I'll be disconnected from my IV pole shortly and hooked up to my lovely pump for my 72-hour infusion of Adriamycin. FUN. Then home to rest for much of the day.

Thank you for your continued support and especially for your prayers.

All my love,
Jana