Losing Duke and Chemo Round 5

Good morning. I'm writing as I sit in my lounge chair in my oncologist's office receiving my fifth round of my regular chemo cocktail of FAC plus Ativan, Decadron and Zofran. It's a really crowded treatment room and the 18 patient chairs are rapidly filling up. I can think of a million other places I'd rather be right now than here. But I know that each round puts me closer to finishing.

My baby boy is kicking my stomach hard reminding me of how important it is to go through all this. Had an 28 week ultrasound last Friday and he looks great and weighs around 3 lbs. My dear sister Rebecca was with me along with her precious 7-week-0ld daughter, Julia. They flew up from Georgia to visit us for a few days. This gave me a chance to practice caring for a newborn and to testrun our baby's room and equipment. Rebecca and I had not seen each other since early April, prior to my mastectomy and chemo. I look quite different now with my pregnant belly and hair loss, not to mention my temporary breasts (thanks to ROCK-HARD, perky tissue expanders). We had a wonderful time just catching up and talking baby stuff. Nice to focus on something other than my cancer.

Georgia and P.J. got a lot of practice with a newborn, too. At times, we were all fighting to hold Julia. None of us fought over changing her diapers though as we know our share is soon coming. I loved playing dress-up with Julia in Georgia's old smocked baby dresses.

Julie was a wonderful distraction for us in the days that followed our beloved dog Duke's death late last Monday night. Our emotions have been very raw as we are coping with his sudden death from a heart attack. P.J. had taken him for their nightly walk around 11:00 p.m. Duke struggled; they came home and by 11:30 p.m., he was gone. P.J. woke me up to tell me the news and get the vet's number. I had only been asleep for about 2 hours and couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Earlier that day, I had had my blood drawn only to find out that my counts were the lowest ever since beginning chemo. Because chemo is a cumulative effect, this was expected, but it meant that I really need to take care of myself to not get run-down.

Duke's death sent me into a temporary downward spiral. It's painful to talk and write about my sadness and deep mourning for our sweet dog. I'll just say that I had to take some Valium and go to bed until Wednesday when Rebecca and Julia arrived. Georgia is still grieving, too. She now knows all about cremation and wants to pick up Duke's ashes right away. I am in no hurry to handle that. She has even saved his black leather studded "tough dog" collar with tags and has it on display in her bedroom among her dolls. Sometimes I hear her shaking his tags which send me into tears. It's Georgia's way of remembering Duke.

Rebecca got Georgia some Mexican Jumping Beans to fill the pet void temporarily. Their jumping all night long in their plastic case is like popcorn popping - annoying! P.J. and I are planning to postpone adopting another dog until after Spring Break when I am through with my radiation and we have hopefully had a much-needed vacation.

Georgia's enjoying her second week of sailing camp. We just found out her teacher for next year - Mrs. Binkley - who is expecting a baby in February. We're trying on old uniforms, ordering new ones and shoes and getting excited about going back to school on September 2. Between now and then, we'll try to fit as much summer fun in as we can. My mom/Nana is coming to visit on Saturday for a week. She hasn't been here since May and is eager to see me in my full pregnancy/chemo body. When Georgia isn't playing tennis, swimming or golf next week, we will be doing projects to prepare for baby and having fun with Nana.

I'll be disconnected from my IV pole shortly and hooked up to my lovely pump for my 72-hour infusion of Adriamycin. FUN. Then home to rest for much of the day.

Thank you for your continued support and especially for your prayers.

All my love,
Jana