After I dropped Duke off, the vet asked if we wanted his ashes. I immediately said no. A lot of people do this - get their pet's ashes and keep them in an urn, or spread them out in his/her favorite places. That's just fine. Personally, I am not like that. Duke was gone, so let's let him go. No need to prolong the pain.
Sensing I might be a heartless bastard (or sensing one last chance at revenue-yes, I said it), once I left, the vet called my wife and asked her if she wanted the ashes. She was a bit too distraught to make her decision just then, so they told her they would keep them around, in case she wanted them at a later date.
Fast forward two weeks. I went back in to return his unused medicine - which they took. I asked if they still had his ashes as Jana was going to make a decision soon. Shockingly, their answer was no. Even more shockingly, they said he had NOT been cremated, but was still in the back in a cooler. Ummmm...OK.
Actually, I found this kind of funny for some reason. Not really sure why.
I immediately called Jana to tell her she could still have Duke's ashes - and being the idiot that I am, I told her he was still in a cooler. Well, this news had the predictable effect of a whole new round of sobbing. I really am an idiot.
After she calmed down, we debated about whether or not to keep the ashes - again. I told her instead of keeping the ashes, they would do a paw print in one of those clay mold things you get at a craft store.
She was happy about that idea, so that's what we decided to do.
Fast forward another two weeks (yes, Duke is still in the cooler-I hope they don't charge storage fees), and Jana finally went in to the vet to drop off the clay mold kit - I think she took in four of them.
While she was there, they asked her to wait to make sure they could still get a decent mold of his paw(s). When the nurse(?) returned, she not only informed Jana that they would be able to get a good print, she also gave Jana a little ziplock baggie.
It seems that while back there, this wonderful lady had taken it upon herself to shave a bit of Duke's fur, bag it up and give it to Jana as one last keepsake. I am not kidding.
Once again, this had the predictable effect of causing a new round of sobbing. When she calmed down enough to call and tell me about it, she had found a way to think this was kind of funny - or maybe so out there that it couldn't be anything but funny.
So now, one of the other ladies from the vet office has taken the clay molds of our dead dog's paw prints home, to glaze them and make them really nice.
We get them back this week - I can't wait.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Duke Part Deux
It's been a while since I posted anything - and quite frankly, I haven't had much to say (not that I normally do anyway). But I thought it might be a good time to put something up.
As you all know by now, we lost our beloved Duke a few weeks ago. I was with him when he went, so that is somewhat comforting, but I can tell you it's not much fun (much better than having to put him down though). I went upsatirs to let Jana know and of course she was so upset that she didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I knew that would happen, but I figured she'd be pissed if I didn't tell her immediately. We struggled with what to do with him overnight as our vet was closed - it being midnight - so I called the local emergency vet. They said I could bring him in if I wanted, or I could wait until our vet opened in the morning. However, if I chose that path, I would need to put him someplace cool. The lady on the phone (are they nurses?) stressed that point.
We decided to keep him one last night. I carried him down to the basement and placed him on his dog bed. Fortunately, Georgia didn't notice he wasn't around the next morning. Thank God she didn't go downstairs to watch TV for breakfast.
After notifying our vet about Duke's demise, they said to bring him in whenever we were comfortable doing so. No time like the present - so I went down to get him. As difficult as it was to carry 65 pounds of dead weight (sorry for the bad pun) downstairs, it was even worse bringing him up.
It seems as though rigormortis set in overnight. I had to carry up 65 pounds of frozen solid weight - with his legs sticking straight out. Let me tell you, it was not easy adjusting him to fit through the door.
Luck of all luck, when I finally got him upstairs and into the car, I noticed it was the one 90+ degree day we've had all year. I quickly got in the car, rolled down the windows and started on my way to drop him off for the last time. As he warmed up, all of the gases he had built up overnight began to release. Now, Duke was always a farter. It was one of the things that endeared him to all. Seriously, he could compete with anyone for volume and odor. But what I went through in that car was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even in death, he was the king of the SBD - only this time, he wouldn't be raising his head to look at me and then walk out of the room (I always knew he did that on purpose).
The vet had me bring Duke in the back door and place him on top of a cooler...
As you all know by now, we lost our beloved Duke a few weeks ago. I was with him when he went, so that is somewhat comforting, but I can tell you it's not much fun (much better than having to put him down though). I went upsatirs to let Jana know and of course she was so upset that she didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I knew that would happen, but I figured she'd be pissed if I didn't tell her immediately. We struggled with what to do with him overnight as our vet was closed - it being midnight - so I called the local emergency vet. They said I could bring him in if I wanted, or I could wait until our vet opened in the morning. However, if I chose that path, I would need to put him someplace cool. The lady on the phone (are they nurses?) stressed that point.
We decided to keep him one last night. I carried him down to the basement and placed him on his dog bed. Fortunately, Georgia didn't notice he wasn't around the next morning. Thank God she didn't go downstairs to watch TV for breakfast.
After notifying our vet about Duke's demise, they said to bring him in whenever we were comfortable doing so. No time like the present - so I went down to get him. As difficult as it was to carry 65 pounds of dead weight (sorry for the bad pun) downstairs, it was even worse bringing him up.
It seems as though rigormortis set in overnight. I had to carry up 65 pounds of frozen solid weight - with his legs sticking straight out. Let me tell you, it was not easy adjusting him to fit through the door.
Luck of all luck, when I finally got him upstairs and into the car, I noticed it was the one 90+ degree day we've had all year. I quickly got in the car, rolled down the windows and started on my way to drop him off for the last time. As he warmed up, all of the gases he had built up overnight began to release. Now, Duke was always a farter. It was one of the things that endeared him to all. Seriously, he could compete with anyone for volume and odor. But what I went through in that car was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even in death, he was the king of the SBD - only this time, he wouldn't be raising his head to look at me and then walk out of the room (I always knew he did that on purpose).
The vet had me bring Duke in the back door and place him on top of a cooler...
More visitors!
Georgia holding cousin Julia during her visit to Lake Forest.Me holding neice Julia while on Lake Forest beach. See, I still have hair on the back of my head.
My sister, Rebecca, and me. I was so very happy she brought Julia on her first plane ride to meet me.
Cousin Rachel from Atlanta came to see us, too. It was great to hang out with her. I'm so lucky to have so many visitors! Hope everyone keeps coming!!! It means the world to me!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Visitors Make Time Fly!
Angie's visit in May 2009. The best part of being unable to travel is that everyone is willing to come see you! Love the quality time with each of our out-of-town visitors including my parents, Angie (twice - once with Sam), Anna, Maureen, Sarah, Les & Brian, Laura & James, Wendy & Ella, The Gwaltneys, The Beaupres, Rebecca & Julia. Keeping busy has tremendously helped making my treatments go by faster. xxoo
Pregnant friends!
Old, pregnant friends - Wendy and Jana.
Friends since Agnes Scott College in 1988, now 21 years later. Loved Wendy and Ella's visit to Lake Forest. Will see them in Atlanta next summer and hopefully in Switzerland next fall.
Friends since Agnes Scott College in 1988, now 21 years later. Loved Wendy and Ella's visit to Lake Forest. Will see them in Atlanta next summer and hopefully in Switzerland next fall.Our favorite teacher!
Georgia with her favorite teacher Kelly Huetteman and me after Kelly won the Yvonne Banks Caring Teacher Award.
May 2009
May 2009
Best Buds - Duke and Georgia
Georgia and Duke in May 2009 before a soccer game. Duke is modeling a breast cancer awareness scarf that P.J. surprised me with. Georgia and Duke were great buddies.
Losing Duke and Chemo Round 5
Good morning. I'm writing as I sit in my lounge chair in my oncologist's office receiving my fifth round of my regular chemo cocktail of FAC plus Ativan, Decadron and Zofran. It's a really crowded treatment room and the 18 patient chairs are rapidly filling up. I can think of a million other places I'd rather be right now than here. But I know that each round puts me closer to finishing.
My baby boy is kicking my stomach hard reminding me of how important it is to go through all this. Had an 28 week ultrasound last Friday and he looks great and weighs around 3 lbs. My dear sister Rebecca was with me along with her precious 7-week-0ld daughter, Julia. They flew up from Georgia to visit us for a few days. This gave me a chance to practice caring for a newborn and to testrun our baby's room and equipment. Rebecca and I had not seen each other since early April, prior to my mastectomy and chemo. I look quite different now with my pregnant belly and hair loss, not to mention my temporary breasts (thanks to ROCK-HARD, perky tissue expanders). We had a wonderful time just catching up and talking baby stuff. Nice to focus on something other than my cancer.
Georgia and P.J. got a lot of practice with a newborn, too. At times, we were all fighting to hold Julia. None of us fought over changing her diapers though as we know our share is soon coming. I loved playing dress-up with Julia in Georgia's old smocked baby dresses.
Julie was a wonderful distraction for us in the days that followed our beloved dog Duke's death late last Monday night. Our emotions have been very raw as we are coping with his sudden death from a heart attack. P.J. had taken him for their nightly walk around 11:00 p.m. Duke struggled; they came home and by 11:30 p.m., he was gone. P.J. woke me up to tell me the news and get the vet's number. I had only been asleep for about 2 hours and couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Earlier that day, I had had my blood drawn only to find out that my counts were the lowest ever since beginning chemo. Because chemo is a cumulative effect, this was expected, but it meant that I really need to take care of myself to not get run-down.
Duke's death sent me into a temporary downward spiral. It's painful to talk and write about my sadness and deep mourning for our sweet dog. I'll just say that I had to take some Valium and go to bed until Wednesday when Rebecca and Julia arrived. Georgia is still grieving, too. She now knows all about cremation and wants to pick up Duke's ashes right away. I am in no hurry to handle that. She has even saved his black leather studded "tough dog" collar with tags and has it on display in her bedroom among her dolls. Sometimes I hear her shaking his tags which send me into tears. It's Georgia's way of remembering Duke.
Rebecca got Georgia some Mexican Jumping Beans to fill the pet void temporarily. Their jumping all night long in their plastic case is like popcorn popping - annoying! P.J. and I are planning to postpone adopting another dog until after Spring Break when I am through with my radiation and we have hopefully had a much-needed vacation.
Georgia's enjoying her second week of sailing camp. We just found out her teacher for next year - Mrs. Binkley - who is expecting a baby in February. We're trying on old uniforms, ordering new ones and shoes and getting excited about going back to school on September 2. Between now and then, we'll try to fit as much summer fun in as we can. My mom/Nana is coming to visit on Saturday for a week. She hasn't been here since May and is eager to see me in my full pregnancy/chemo body. When Georgia isn't playing tennis, swimming or golf next week, we will be doing projects to prepare for baby and having fun with Nana.
I'll be disconnected from my IV pole shortly and hooked up to my lovely pump for my 72-hour infusion of Adriamycin. FUN. Then home to rest for much of the day.
Thank you for your continued support and especially for your prayers.
All my love,
Jana
My baby boy is kicking my stomach hard reminding me of how important it is to go through all this. Had an 28 week ultrasound last Friday and he looks great and weighs around 3 lbs. My dear sister Rebecca was with me along with her precious 7-week-0ld daughter, Julia. They flew up from Georgia to visit us for a few days. This gave me a chance to practice caring for a newborn and to testrun our baby's room and equipment. Rebecca and I had not seen each other since early April, prior to my mastectomy and chemo. I look quite different now with my pregnant belly and hair loss, not to mention my temporary breasts (thanks to ROCK-HARD, perky tissue expanders). We had a wonderful time just catching up and talking baby stuff. Nice to focus on something other than my cancer.
Georgia and P.J. got a lot of practice with a newborn, too. At times, we were all fighting to hold Julia. None of us fought over changing her diapers though as we know our share is soon coming. I loved playing dress-up with Julia in Georgia's old smocked baby dresses.
Julie was a wonderful distraction for us in the days that followed our beloved dog Duke's death late last Monday night. Our emotions have been very raw as we are coping with his sudden death from a heart attack. P.J. had taken him for their nightly walk around 11:00 p.m. Duke struggled; they came home and by 11:30 p.m., he was gone. P.J. woke me up to tell me the news and get the vet's number. I had only been asleep for about 2 hours and couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Earlier that day, I had had my blood drawn only to find out that my counts were the lowest ever since beginning chemo. Because chemo is a cumulative effect, this was expected, but it meant that I really need to take care of myself to not get run-down.
Duke's death sent me into a temporary downward spiral. It's painful to talk and write about my sadness and deep mourning for our sweet dog. I'll just say that I had to take some Valium and go to bed until Wednesday when Rebecca and Julia arrived. Georgia is still grieving, too. She now knows all about cremation and wants to pick up Duke's ashes right away. I am in no hurry to handle that. She has even saved his black leather studded "tough dog" collar with tags and has it on display in her bedroom among her dolls. Sometimes I hear her shaking his tags which send me into tears. It's Georgia's way of remembering Duke.
Rebecca got Georgia some Mexican Jumping Beans to fill the pet void temporarily. Their jumping all night long in their plastic case is like popcorn popping - annoying! P.J. and I are planning to postpone adopting another dog until after Spring Break when I am through with my radiation and we have hopefully had a much-needed vacation.
Georgia's enjoying her second week of sailing camp. We just found out her teacher for next year - Mrs. Binkley - who is expecting a baby in February. We're trying on old uniforms, ordering new ones and shoes and getting excited about going back to school on September 2. Between now and then, we'll try to fit as much summer fun in as we can. My mom/Nana is coming to visit on Saturday for a week. She hasn't been here since May and is eager to see me in my full pregnancy/chemo body. When Georgia isn't playing tennis, swimming or golf next week, we will be doing projects to prepare for baby and having fun with Nana.
I'll be disconnected from my IV pole shortly and hooked up to my lovely pump for my 72-hour infusion of Adriamycin. FUN. Then home to rest for much of the day.
Thank you for your continued support and especially for your prayers.
All my love,
Jana
Friday, August 7, 2009
Don't Waste Your Cancer
Dear all,
This article was passed onto me by someone who has recently been declared cancer-free by her doctors. This is very moving and struck a cord with me. I had to share it with you.
Love,
Jana
Don't Waste Your Cancer
Download:
By John Piper February 15, 2006
[Editor's Note: Our friend, David Powlison, of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, who also was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer, has added some helpful expansions to John Piper’s ten points. Indented paragraphs beginning with "DP:" are written by David Powlison.]
I write this on the eve of prostate surgery. I believe in God’s power to heal—by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.
DP: I (David Powlison) add these reflections on John Piper’s words the morning after receiving news that I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer (March 3, 2006). The ten main points and first paragraphs are his; the second paragraphs are mine.
1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.
DP: Recognizing his designing hand does not make you stoic or dishonest or artificially buoyant. Instead, the reality of God’s design elicits and channels your honest outcry to your one true Savior. God’s design invites honest speech, rather than silencing us into resignation. Consider the honesty of the Psalms, of King Hezekiah (Isaiah 38), of Habakkuk 3. These people are bluntly, believingly honest because they know that God is God and set their hopes in him. Psalm 28 teaches you passionate, direct prayer to God. He must hear you. He will hear you. He will continue to work in you and your situation. This outcry comes from your sense of need for help (28:1-2). Then name your particular troubles to God (28:3-5). You are free to personalize with your own particulars. Often in life’s ‘various trials’ (James 1:2), what you face does not exactly map on to the particulars that David or Jesus faced - but the dynamic of faith is the same. Having cast your cares on him who cares for you, then voice your joy (28:6-7): the God-given peace that is beyond understanding. Finally, because faith always works out into love, your personal need and joy will branch out into loving concern for others (28:8-9). Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).
DP: The blessing comes in what God does for us, with us, through us. He brings his great and merciful redemption onto the stage of the curse. Your cancer, in itself, is one of those 10,000 ‘shadows of death’ (Psalm 23:4) that come upon each of us: all the threats, losses, pains, incompletion, disappointment, evils. But in his beloved children, our Father works a most kind good through our most grievous losses: sometimes healing and restoring the body (temporarily, until the resurrection of the dead to eternal life), always sustaining and teaching us that we might know and love him more simply. In the testing ground of evils, your faith becomes deep and real, and your love becomes purposeful and wise: James 1:2-5, 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, Romans 8:18-39.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.
DP: God himself is your comfort. He gives himself. The hymn “Be Still My Soul” (by Katerina von Schlegel) reckons the odds the right way: we are 100% certain to suffer, and Christ is 100% certain to meet us, to come for us, comfort us, and restore love’s purest joys. The hymn “How Firm a Foundation” reckons the odds the same way: you are 100% certain to pass through grave distresses, and your Savior is 100% certain to “be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress.” With God, you aren’t playing percentages, but living within certainties.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
We will all die, if Jesus postpones his return. Not to think about what it will be like to leave this life and meet God is folly. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning [a funeral] than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” How can you lay it to heart if you won’t think about it? Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death.
DP: Paul describes the Holy Spirit is the unseen, inner ‘downpayment’ on the certainty of life. By faith, the Lord gives a sweet taste of the face-to-face reality of eternal life in the presence of our God and Christ. We might also say that cancer is one ‘downpayment’ on inevitable death, giving one bad taste of the reality of of our mortality. Cancer is a signpost pointing to something far bigger: the last enemy that you must face. But Christ has defeated this last enemy: 1 Corinthians 15. Death is swallowed up in victory. Cancer is merely one of the enemy’s scouting parties, out on patrol. It has no final power if you are a child of the resurrection, so you can look it in the eye.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).
DP: Cherishing Christ expresses the two core activities of faith: dire need and utter joy. Many psalms cry out in a ‘minor key’: we cherish our Savior by needing him to save us from real troubles, real sins, real sufferings, real anguish. Many psalms sing out in a ‘major key’: we cherish our Savior by delighting in him, loving him, thanking him for all his benefits to us, rejoicing that his salvation is the weightiest thing in the world and that he gets last say. And many psalms start out in one key and end up in the other. Cherishing Christ is not monochromatic; you live the whole spectrum of human experience with him. To ‘beat’ cancer is to live knowing how your Father has compassion on his beloved child, because he knows your frame, that you are but dust. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. To live is to know him, whom to know is to love.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
It is not wrong to know about cancer. Ignorance is not a virtue. But the lure to know more and more and the lack of zeal to know God more and more is symptomatic of unbelief. Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. It is meant to put feeling and force behind the command, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3). It is meant to waken us to the truth of Daniel 11:32, “The people who know their God shall stand firm and take action.” It is meant to make unshakable, indestructible oak trees out of us: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:2). What a waste of cancer if we read day and night about cancer and not about God.
DP: What is so for your reading is also true for your conversations with others. Other people will often express their care and concern by inquiring about your health. That’s good, but the conversation easily gets stuck there. So tell them openly about your sickness, seeking their prayers and counsel, but then change the direction of the conversation by telling them what your God is doing to faithfully sustain you with 10,000 mercies. Robert Murray McCheyne wisely said, “For every one look at your sins, take ten looks at Christ.” He was countering our tendency to reverse that 10:1 ratio by brooding over our failings and forgetting the Lord of mercy. What McCheyne says about our sins we can also apply to our sufferings. For every one sentence you say to others about your cancer, say ten sentences about your God, and your hope, and what he is teaching you, and the small blessings of each day. For every hour you spend researching or discussing your cancer, spend 10 hours researching and discussing and serving your Lord. Relate all that you are learning about cancer back to him and his purposes, and you won’t become obsessed.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.
DP: Our culture is terrified of facing death. It is obsessed with medicine. It idolizes youth, health and energy. It tries to hide any signs of weakness or imperfection. You will bring huge blessing to others by living openly, believingly and lovingly within your weaknesses. Paradoxically, moving out into relationships when you are hurting and weak will actually strengthen others. ‘One anothering’ is a two-way street of generous giving and grateful receiving. Your need gives others an opportunity to love. And since love is always God’s highest purpose in you, too, you will learn his finest and most joyous lessons as you find small ways to express concern for others even when you are most weak. A great, life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for you to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others.
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.
DP: Show the world this different way of grieving. Paul said that he would have had “grief upon grief” if his friend Epaphroditus had died. He had been grieving, feeling the painful weight of his friend’s illness. He would have doubly grieved if his friend had died. But this loving, honest, God-oriented grief coexisted with “rejoice always” and “the peace of God that passes understanding” and “showing a genuine concern for your welfare.” How on earth can heartache coexist with love, joy, peace, and an indestructible sense of life purpose? In the inner logic of faith, this makes perfect sense. In fact, because you have hope, you may feel the sufferings of this life more keenly: grief upon grief. In contrast, the grieving that has no hope often chooses denial or escape or busyness because it can’t face reality without becoming distraught. In Christ, you know what’s at stake, and so you keenly feel the wrong of this fallen world. You don’t take pain and death for granted. You love what is good, and hate what is evil. After all, you follow in the image of “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” But this Jesus chose his cross willingly “for the joy set before him.” He lived and died in hopes that all come true. His pain was not muted by denial or medication, nor was it tainted with despair, fear, or thrashing about for any straw of hope that might change his circumstances. Jesus’ final promises overflow with the gladness of solid hope amid sorrows: “My joy will be in you, and your joy will be made full. Your grief will be turned to joy. No one will take your joy away from you. Ask, and you will receive, so that your joy will be made full. These things I speak in the world, so that they may have my joy made full in themselves” (selection from John 15-17).
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had cancer? If so you are wasting your cancer. Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that cancer is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer. All these things are worse enemies than cancer. Don’t waste the power of cancer to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).
DP: Suffering really is meant to wean you from sin and strengthen your faith. If you are God-less, then suffering magnifies sin. Will you become more bitter, despairing, addictive, fearful, frenzied, avoidant, sentimental, godless in how you go about life? Will you pretend it’s business as usual? Will you come to terms with death, on your terms? But if you are God’s, then suffering in Christ’s hands will change you, always slowly, sometimes quickly. You come to terms with life and death on his terms. He will gentle you, purify you, cleanse you of vanities. He will make you need him and love him. He rearranges your priorities, so first things come first more often. He will walk with you. Of course you’ll fail at times, perhaps seized by irritability or brooding, escapism or fears. But he will always pick you up when you stumble. Your inner enemy - a moral cancer 10,000 times more deadly than your physical cancer - will be dying as you continue seeking and finding your Savior: “For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity, for it is very great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way he should choose” (Psalm 25).
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.
Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.
DP: Jesus is your life. He is the man before whom every knee will bow. He has defeated death once for all. He will finish what he has begun. Let your light so shine as you live in him, by him, through him, for him. One of the church’s ancient hymns puts it this way:
Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger(from “I bind unto myself the name”).
In your cancer, you will need your brothers and sisters to witness to the truth and glory of Christ, to walk with you, to live out their faith beside you, to love you. And you can do same with them and with all others, becoming the heart that loves with the love of Christ, the mouth filled with hope to both friends and strangers.
Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
Pastor John
© Desiring God
Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on our website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Desiring God. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org
Home
Resource Library
Store
Events
Blog
About Us
© 2008 Desiring God
Subscribe to Desiring God podcasts, feeds and email subscriptions.
1.888.346.4700
This article was passed onto me by someone who has recently been declared cancer-free by her doctors. This is very moving and struck a cord with me. I had to share it with you.
Love,
Jana
Don't Waste Your Cancer
Download:
By John Piper February 15, 2006
[Editor's Note: Our friend, David Powlison, of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, who also was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer, has added some helpful expansions to John Piper’s ten points. Indented paragraphs beginning with "DP:" are written by David Powlison.]
I write this on the eve of prostate surgery. I believe in God’s power to heal—by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.
DP: I (David Powlison) add these reflections on John Piper’s words the morning after receiving news that I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer (March 3, 2006). The ten main points and first paragraphs are his; the second paragraphs are mine.
1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.
DP: Recognizing his designing hand does not make you stoic or dishonest or artificially buoyant. Instead, the reality of God’s design elicits and channels your honest outcry to your one true Savior. God’s design invites honest speech, rather than silencing us into resignation. Consider the honesty of the Psalms, of King Hezekiah (Isaiah 38), of Habakkuk 3. These people are bluntly, believingly honest because they know that God is God and set their hopes in him. Psalm 28 teaches you passionate, direct prayer to God. He must hear you. He will hear you. He will continue to work in you and your situation. This outcry comes from your sense of need for help (28:1-2). Then name your particular troubles to God (28:3-5). You are free to personalize with your own particulars. Often in life’s ‘various trials’ (James 1:2), what you face does not exactly map on to the particulars that David or Jesus faced - but the dynamic of faith is the same. Having cast your cares on him who cares for you, then voice your joy (28:6-7): the God-given peace that is beyond understanding. Finally, because faith always works out into love, your personal need and joy will branch out into loving concern for others (28:8-9). Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).
DP: The blessing comes in what God does for us, with us, through us. He brings his great and merciful redemption onto the stage of the curse. Your cancer, in itself, is one of those 10,000 ‘shadows of death’ (Psalm 23:4) that come upon each of us: all the threats, losses, pains, incompletion, disappointment, evils. But in his beloved children, our Father works a most kind good through our most grievous losses: sometimes healing and restoring the body (temporarily, until the resurrection of the dead to eternal life), always sustaining and teaching us that we might know and love him more simply. In the testing ground of evils, your faith becomes deep and real, and your love becomes purposeful and wise: James 1:2-5, 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, Romans 8:18-39.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.
DP: God himself is your comfort. He gives himself. The hymn “Be Still My Soul” (by Katerina von Schlegel) reckons the odds the right way: we are 100% certain to suffer, and Christ is 100% certain to meet us, to come for us, comfort us, and restore love’s purest joys. The hymn “How Firm a Foundation” reckons the odds the same way: you are 100% certain to pass through grave distresses, and your Savior is 100% certain to “be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress.” With God, you aren’t playing percentages, but living within certainties.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
We will all die, if Jesus postpones his return. Not to think about what it will be like to leave this life and meet God is folly. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning [a funeral] than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” How can you lay it to heart if you won’t think about it? Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death.
DP: Paul describes the Holy Spirit is the unseen, inner ‘downpayment’ on the certainty of life. By faith, the Lord gives a sweet taste of the face-to-face reality of eternal life in the presence of our God and Christ. We might also say that cancer is one ‘downpayment’ on inevitable death, giving one bad taste of the reality of of our mortality. Cancer is a signpost pointing to something far bigger: the last enemy that you must face. But Christ has defeated this last enemy: 1 Corinthians 15. Death is swallowed up in victory. Cancer is merely one of the enemy’s scouting parties, out on patrol. It has no final power if you are a child of the resurrection, so you can look it in the eye.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).
DP: Cherishing Christ expresses the two core activities of faith: dire need and utter joy. Many psalms cry out in a ‘minor key’: we cherish our Savior by needing him to save us from real troubles, real sins, real sufferings, real anguish. Many psalms sing out in a ‘major key’: we cherish our Savior by delighting in him, loving him, thanking him for all his benefits to us, rejoicing that his salvation is the weightiest thing in the world and that he gets last say. And many psalms start out in one key and end up in the other. Cherishing Christ is not monochromatic; you live the whole spectrum of human experience with him. To ‘beat’ cancer is to live knowing how your Father has compassion on his beloved child, because he knows your frame, that you are but dust. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. To live is to know him, whom to know is to love.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
It is not wrong to know about cancer. Ignorance is not a virtue. But the lure to know more and more and the lack of zeal to know God more and more is symptomatic of unbelief. Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. It is meant to put feeling and force behind the command, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3). It is meant to waken us to the truth of Daniel 11:32, “The people who know their God shall stand firm and take action.” It is meant to make unshakable, indestructible oak trees out of us: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:2). What a waste of cancer if we read day and night about cancer and not about God.
DP: What is so for your reading is also true for your conversations with others. Other people will often express their care and concern by inquiring about your health. That’s good, but the conversation easily gets stuck there. So tell them openly about your sickness, seeking their prayers and counsel, but then change the direction of the conversation by telling them what your God is doing to faithfully sustain you with 10,000 mercies. Robert Murray McCheyne wisely said, “For every one look at your sins, take ten looks at Christ.” He was countering our tendency to reverse that 10:1 ratio by brooding over our failings and forgetting the Lord of mercy. What McCheyne says about our sins we can also apply to our sufferings. For every one sentence you say to others about your cancer, say ten sentences about your God, and your hope, and what he is teaching you, and the small blessings of each day. For every hour you spend researching or discussing your cancer, spend 10 hours researching and discussing and serving your Lord. Relate all that you are learning about cancer back to him and his purposes, and you won’t become obsessed.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.
DP: Our culture is terrified of facing death. It is obsessed with medicine. It idolizes youth, health and energy. It tries to hide any signs of weakness or imperfection. You will bring huge blessing to others by living openly, believingly and lovingly within your weaknesses. Paradoxically, moving out into relationships when you are hurting and weak will actually strengthen others. ‘One anothering’ is a two-way street of generous giving and grateful receiving. Your need gives others an opportunity to love. And since love is always God’s highest purpose in you, too, you will learn his finest and most joyous lessons as you find small ways to express concern for others even when you are most weak. A great, life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for you to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others.
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.
DP: Show the world this different way of grieving. Paul said that he would have had “grief upon grief” if his friend Epaphroditus had died. He had been grieving, feeling the painful weight of his friend’s illness. He would have doubly grieved if his friend had died. But this loving, honest, God-oriented grief coexisted with “rejoice always” and “the peace of God that passes understanding” and “showing a genuine concern for your welfare.” How on earth can heartache coexist with love, joy, peace, and an indestructible sense of life purpose? In the inner logic of faith, this makes perfect sense. In fact, because you have hope, you may feel the sufferings of this life more keenly: grief upon grief. In contrast, the grieving that has no hope often chooses denial or escape or busyness because it can’t face reality without becoming distraught. In Christ, you know what’s at stake, and so you keenly feel the wrong of this fallen world. You don’t take pain and death for granted. You love what is good, and hate what is evil. After all, you follow in the image of “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” But this Jesus chose his cross willingly “for the joy set before him.” He lived and died in hopes that all come true. His pain was not muted by denial or medication, nor was it tainted with despair, fear, or thrashing about for any straw of hope that might change his circumstances. Jesus’ final promises overflow with the gladness of solid hope amid sorrows: “My joy will be in you, and your joy will be made full. Your grief will be turned to joy. No one will take your joy away from you. Ask, and you will receive, so that your joy will be made full. These things I speak in the world, so that they may have my joy made full in themselves” (selection from John 15-17).
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had cancer? If so you are wasting your cancer. Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that cancer is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer. All these things are worse enemies than cancer. Don’t waste the power of cancer to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).
DP: Suffering really is meant to wean you from sin and strengthen your faith. If you are God-less, then suffering magnifies sin. Will you become more bitter, despairing, addictive, fearful, frenzied, avoidant, sentimental, godless in how you go about life? Will you pretend it’s business as usual? Will you come to terms with death, on your terms? But if you are God’s, then suffering in Christ’s hands will change you, always slowly, sometimes quickly. You come to terms with life and death on his terms. He will gentle you, purify you, cleanse you of vanities. He will make you need him and love him. He rearranges your priorities, so first things come first more often. He will walk with you. Of course you’ll fail at times, perhaps seized by irritability or brooding, escapism or fears. But he will always pick you up when you stumble. Your inner enemy - a moral cancer 10,000 times more deadly than your physical cancer - will be dying as you continue seeking and finding your Savior: “For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity, for it is very great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way he should choose” (Psalm 25).
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.
Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.
DP: Jesus is your life. He is the man before whom every knee will bow. He has defeated death once for all. He will finish what he has begun. Let your light so shine as you live in him, by him, through him, for him. One of the church’s ancient hymns puts it this way:
Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger(from “I bind unto myself the name”).
In your cancer, you will need your brothers and sisters to witness to the truth and glory of Christ, to walk with you, to live out their faith beside you, to love you. And you can do same with them and with all others, becoming the heart that loves with the love of Christ, the mouth filled with hope to both friends and strangers.
Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
Pastor John
© Desiring God
Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on our website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Desiring God. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org
Home
Resource Library
Store
Events
Blog
About Us
© 2008 Desiring God
Subscribe to Desiring God podcasts, feeds and email subscriptions.
1.888.346.4700
So much to say!
What is my problem? Why can't I blog regularly? I guess it's just not my thing. I want to write and share everything, but then days pass and I cannot make myself sit down at the computer to write. I'll talk to anyone all day long - family, friends, strangers. I sometimes feel like I can say things to people that I wouldn't write down. Does anyone else ever feel like that?
Anyway - I'm writing now. It's a chilly, rainy day in Lake Forest. I'm at the public library because my new computer hasn't been working properly. P.J. plans to return it tomorrow and talk computer talk directly with the sales people and get me something else. He shouldn't have sent me on my own to buy a computer since I really don't have a good idea of how they work, etc. Our 8-year-old daughter seems to know more than I do about computers. Scary.
Back to writing ... I'm just getting warmed up. I promised before I had some observations to share. I've been writing them in a pretty notebook my friend Angela gave me (the old pen and paper technology never fails!). Here goes:
Anyway - I'm writing now. It's a chilly, rainy day in Lake Forest. I'm at the public library because my new computer hasn't been working properly. P.J. plans to return it tomorrow and talk computer talk directly with the sales people and get me something else. He shouldn't have sent me on my own to buy a computer since I really don't have a good idea of how they work, etc. Our 8-year-old daughter seems to know more than I do about computers. Scary.
Back to writing ... I'm just getting warmed up. I promised before I had some observations to share. I've been writing them in a pretty notebook my friend Angela gave me (the old pen and paper technology never fails!). Here goes:
- Since I began chemotherapy, I've been waiting to lose all my hair. I've been dreading it and trying to deal with my feelings about it. It seriously began happening after my second round of chemo - approx. 30 days from my first round of chemo. I thought I was ready. I had already cut 10 inches off my hair and given it to Locks of Love. My dear book club friends brought photos of their worst haircuts to my salon and had them waiting at my stylist's station with some sweet treats. That went well. Then I started collecting hats and scarves. Maureen went shopping with me and we laughed so hard we were in tears - especially when she tried on a "do rag" that was already sewn with elastic to slip onto your head. That went well, too. Then my friend Susanne brought me a beautiful wig made of human hair, lovingly highlighted and very similar to mine. It was Mary Kay's custom wig that she only wore once during her battle with breast cancer. I have not brought myself to ever try it on. It did look good on Susanne, though. One night at dinner at Mary Ellen's, she asked if she pulled my hair, would a handful come out. I gave in and let her try and it didn't come out. Then the next day came and I actually lost major handfuls of hair, the tears finally came, too. I saved my hair from going down the shower drain and kept collecting it for days. Once it is no longer on your head, it doesn't feel like real hair. P.J. and Georgia thought my hair collection was disgusting so I finally tossed it when I realized how silly it was to keep. I haven't cried about my hair since then. Even though I now wear scarves and hats, I almost always show my friends and family my real head underneath. My doctors and nurses are astonished that I even have the hair that's left. I think it's just the prenatal vitamins at work.
- When your hair goes, why do the grays stubbornly hang on? How unfair is that?!?
- One of my morning rituals is to inspect my pillow for lost hair and to use a sticky lent roller to clean it up.
- Also on the subject of my hair, I was embarrassed on July 15 when at the intersection in front of Miramar in Highwood when my hat blew off. Cars were stopped at all four places and I had to chase my hat in front of all those drivers. Who knows what they were thinking - big pregnant lady with crazy thinning hair scrambling around amongst the cars. Lovely.
- When I have chemo or my weekly blood draws, I almost always see the beige lady. Consistently, I am the youngest patient at my oncologist's office and most are in their 60's-80's. There is one patient, who my heart goes out to, who is colorless ... her skin is transluscent, she is bald, eyelashless and eyebrowless, extremely thin and always wears beige clothes, shoes and ball cap that even washes her out more. We are never close enough to speak and the scene in the chemo room is of about 18 chairs with a nurses station in the middle. The patients interact with the staff but generally not with each other. Everyone keeps to themself during their treatments and is respectful of each other as many recline in the chairs and cover up with blankets. Of course, I can't do that. I have to much to on my "to do list" so I try to bring a mini project to complete, like a photo album or notes to write. The poor beige lady is an extreme case of the type of patients there - but she makes me feel sad. I want to give her a hot pink top to wear and some coral lipstick to brighten her up. I think she feels as badly on the inside as she appears to feel on the outside. Bless her heart.
- I keep waiting to feel as bad as the beige lady or as others who have been through this before. I don't. Naturally, I have my moments of pure exhaustion - I am afterall 27 weeks pregnant. Overall, I feel great! I am the happiest I have been in a years! I have a new lease on life and my prognosis is promising. I am one of the lucky ones and I thank God every day for that.
- The other day, I looked at my chart at Maternal Fetal Medicine. The summary of my condition (other than being pregnant) was "elderly with breast cancer." What?! Since when was 40 considered elderly?!? You would have thought I was that sixty-something year-old woman who had IVF and carried twins. Right. Elderly. How about classifying me as "35+" or something less insulting?
- Last Friday, the Beaupre's brought dinner over while they were visiting from Atlanta. About an hour into their visit and long after P.J. had given them the tour of our remodeled house, I mentioned something about the baby coming in October. April and Paul were shocked. They had no idea I was pregnant even though I'm clearly showing and had seen the baby's room filled with the crib and all kinds of baby things. They were so polite not to say anything about my appearance and just thought I was bloated from the treatments. I loved being able to share with them our good news in person.
I ran into my wonderful oncologist and his wife at the Lake Forest Day carnival on Family Night (Tuesday). There were thousands of people there and the crowds were so dense. It was fun to see him outside the office - usually P.J. runs into him out and about. Anyway - Dr. Tsarwhas immediately told me I needed to go home. I obeyed and happily left Georgia under P.J.'s watchful eye. The next day, I took Georgia and friend Kirsten to the LF Day Parade to ride on the Lake Forest Country Day School float and ended up walking with them the entire parade route. Not my plan, it just happened. The last thing I thought I wanted to do was parade through downtown - but I did and it was fine. We spent the afternoon at the carnival with many school friends and moms. It was such joy to watch the children run around having the time of their lives!
Tomorrow, Georgia's favorite 2nd grade teachers, Ms. Huetteman and Ms. Holland, are joining us for a special lunch at GoGo's house. To say that Georgia is excited is an understatement. These teachers have been very special to our family, even more so since all this cancer stuff began. We are grateful for their continued friendship and support.
I think the rain has stopped now, so I'm going to head home. It was actually fun writing today. Thanks for being patient with my ramblings. I will try to write more often. Until next time, take good care!
Love,
Jana
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)